Choosing the Memory of Her, by Elena Macdonald

The Blue Room, by Suzanne Valadon (France) 1923

Choosing the Memory of Her

After Suzanne Valadon’s The Blue Room

Cigarette held in pink lips. Hand on thigh. Relaxed, she looks outside the frame, perhaps at a lover, another woman, in my dreams. Books lay at her feet. The woman is large and beautiful. Looking at her makes me want to love my body more. She looks soft and kind. She lounges, posing as if she were naked, but she is cloaked in pink and white and green. Strong eyebrows frame her face. Her pale skin flushed. 

Portraiture as intimacy, staring at a body, lingering on each inch of skin. I sense tender stares behind the frame. To lounge as a fat person sometimes feels like a luxury. Thoughts of laziness flood my brain, but I persist to stay present in my restful joy. 

Paintings like this make me want to love myself. I wonder if others look at my body the way I look at this woman’s body. It feels impossible for a moment, but I look at her again and just want to stare at her for hours, her belly, her thighs, her arms. She is large, and she is beautiful. I hope one day someone will say the same of me. 

Elena Macdonald

Elena Macdonald (they/she) is a writer from Northern Virginia. They are a current MFA candidate in nonfiction at George Mason University, and they received their BFA in Creative Writing from GMU. Elena is also the website editor for Phoebe Journal, and they read for Phoebe Journal, So to Speak Journal, Poetry Daily, and In Short: A Journal of Flash Nonfiction. In their free time, Elena loves to cook and dabble in crafts.
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