Arshile, by Aida Zilelian

Last Painting (The Black Monk), by Arshile Gorky (USA, b.Vilayet of Van, Armenia, Ottoman Empire) 1948

Arshile 
 
Arshile jan[1], 
if we had been friends 
I would have smoked cigarettes with you 
until my throat was raw and made you listen 
to Billie Holiday (did you know “Strange Fruit”?) while 
nursing vodka (I would have hated but conceded to) just for you. 
I read you loved vodka.  
 
Arshile, 
you could have rung my apartment bell 
at any hour of the night 
and I would have let you in, cradled your face in my hands, 
consumed by your wild, vacant eyes 
and said nothing.  
 
Love could not transcend the 
shadow of ghosts that claimed you long before you escaped,  
fled the shores of Lake Van,  
your mother’s bosom cold from death – 
a body that could no longer soak up your child tears. 
This is not why I love you. 
 
Arshile, 
I would never have been so star-struck 
that your death could have surprised me, 
but I would never have forgiven myself  
for not deciphering the suicide note 
in the slants of your abstractions 
and unsettling hues of teal, magenta, 
annihilated by frenzied strokes of black.[2] 
They incriminate you but, 
I would not have seen. 
 
All I know is that your face, 
your dark moustache, the grace of your troubled eyes and swept back hair 
leave me to think that I could not have saved you, and 
loved you nonetheless.  

Aida Zilelian 
          
[1] An abbreviation of the Armenian word ‘janig’ (a term of endearment – i.e. darling, love 
[2] Arshile Gorky’s last painting, Last Painting (The Black Monk) 1948

Aida Zilelian is a first generation American-Armenian writer and educator from Queens, NY. Her fiction explores the depths of love and family relationships, culture and the connections between characters that transcend time and circumstance. Her first novel (unpublished) The Hollowing Moon, was one of the top three finalists of the Anderbo Novel Contest. The sequel The Legacy of Lost Things was published in 2015 (Bleeding Heart Publications) and was the recipient of the 2014 Tololyan Literary Award. Aida has been featured on NPR, The Huffington Post, Kirkus Reviews, Poets & Writers, the New York Times, and various reading series throughout Queens and Manhattan. Her short story collection These Hills Were Meant for You was shortlisted for the 2018 Katherine Anne Porter Award.